The Garfield Story
by ShakespeareHemmingway
Summary: Garfield teaches Ralphie about the true meaning of Christmas! Special holiday story!


The Garfield Story

It was Christmas Eve and Ralphie was looking to max and relax.

"Boy I just cannot wait for Christmas, it is the best time of year. Soon I will have the Red Ryder BB Gun and wealth, glory and women will be mine for the taking." Thought Ralphie to himself.

While Ralphie was chillin and dreaming of BB gun conquest Ralphie's mother came in to check on him.

"Ralphie, tomorrow is the big day and you have been a most excellent boy this year. Soon all of your dreams will come true." Said Ralphie's mother with comfort words.

"Yes you are right mother, soon I will have everything a man can want, the Red Ryder BB gun. With it the world will be my clam." Ralphie responded as he lounged back in his smoking jacket and took a sip of his Ovaltine.

"Christmas is not all about the Red Ryder BB gun. It is also about family, friends and being together with loved ones." Scolded Ralphie's mother with teachings.

"Do not be lecturing me woman. The Red Rider BB Gun is the means and the ends. The Alpha and the Omega." Ralphie responded with fury.

"Oh Ralphie..." Thought Ralphie's mother as she walked out of his room shaking her head.

"Enough frivolous talking, time for sleep so Christmas may come and I may meet BB Gun destiny." Said Ralphie to himself as he lied down for slumber.

That night Ralphie dreamed of BB Gun glory, taking what was his and leaving scraps of dogs for anyone else. Women knelt at his feet and wealth of decadence surrounded him. When he woke he was sweating with anticipation to meet his BB Gun glory. He rushed down stairs with feet guided by Valkyries. When he came down stairs his family was there waiting for him.

"We are ready to open presents, come sit down with your family." Said Ralphie's father.

"Excellent the time has come, let the games begin." Said Ralphie as he sat down to open his destiny.

Ralphie tore through presents like tiger tearing through fresh lobster, but time and again he was met with disappointment. Clothes, socks, and toys for mere children. Not the item of desire that he so sought with eagerness. The gravest of insults came with next present, it contained pink bunny pajamas!

"What is this foolishness?!" Roared Ralphie with indignity.

"Oh how adorable you must try it on." Said Ralphie's mother with encouragement.

"I would rather try on hat full of mustard." Ralphie said with disgust.

"Ralphie you will not open another present until you try this on."Commanded Ralphie's father with orders.

"So be it." Said Ralphie as he walked upstairs to try on his pink bunny pajamas.

As Ralphie changed he thought to himself of how the Red Ryder BB Gun would make this all worthwhile.

"Once I get my Red Ryder BB Gun I will repay this humiliation tenfold." Ralphie thought to himself with contempt.

After Ralphie changed into his pink bunny pajamas he came downstairs to the delight of his mother and the mockings of his brother.

"Haha you are a pink bunny." Said Randy with mocking.

"Dance for me boy, do the bunny dance." Said Ralphie's mother with mad smile on her face.

Ralphie swallowed his considerable pride and hopped like bunny he was supposed to be.

"Hop hop hop." Said Ralphie as he hopped, fire of rage burning inside him.

"Hahahahahahhohoho" Exclaimed Ralphie's family with joyous mocking as they watched Ralphie hop.

"May I please stop?" Cried out Ralphie with tears of humiliation in his eyes.

"Very well go up and change and we will open the rest of your presents." Ralphie's father said with mercy.

Ralphie rushed up stairs like a speeding hurricane and faster than three nanoseconds was back in normal clothes and heading back downstairs.

"Looks like you only have one last present left." Said Ralphie's father, pointing to corner of the room where one lone box stood. It was long and rectangular and intrigued Ralphie. Ralphie rushed to it with opening intent and tore open wrapper with the ferocity of an owl. But the revelation of the opening would shatter his heart. For what he saw shocked his mind and crushed his spirits.

" A GEORGE FORMAN GRILL?!" Cried out Ralphie in despair.

"Yes now you can grill burgers at faster than light speeds with minimum mess." Said Ralphie's mother proudly.

"There comes a day when every boy must enter manhood and get his own George Foreman grill." Said Ralphie's father with fact.

The rage of anger and the boil of blood filled Ralphie's body, and he could no longer control the fury.

"NOOOOOOOOO." Cried out Ralphie as he picked up grill and smashed it on his knee.

In fit of rage Ralphie went down to the basement to his satanic shrine to perform profane rituals.

"Mighty Lucifer, grant me the power to seek revenge and take all of the Red Ryder BB Guns I desire." Requested Ralphie with darkness.

"Very well." Boomed voice from the shrine.

"I will make you my avatar on Earth and you will bring hell to it." Said the voice as it infused Ralphie with unholy power.

Dark power of pure evil overcame Ralphie and he turned from Ralphie 9 year old boy into Ralphie Lord of Darkness. In his hand was a flaming Red Ryder BB Gun which he can administer his terrible vengeance with. As his transformation completed Ralphie's parents and brother entered basement to see what commotion was all about.

"Ralphie what are you doing?" Asked Ralphie's mother.

"Silence woman. You no longer have any hold over me." Ralphie boomed with evil Hell voice.

"Ralphie stop this nonsense at once." Scolded Ralphie's father with discipline.

"Fool. I am the new lord of this house, and from it I will conquer earth with hellfire." Ralphie declared with evil as he summoned a balor to capture his former family.

Meanwhile in Hottest Night Club in Big City, Garfield was chillin sipping champagne and eating lasagna as sexy ladies sat around him and laughed at his jokes.

"And that is why the puppy got arrested for larceny." Joked Garfield with punch lines.

"Hahahaha Garfield you are so witty." Laughed sexy ladies with sides splitting.

Amidst laughing at Garfield's joke, there was news report on TV.

"Attention all. Ralphie has summoned a portal to Hell and has waged war on this planet to establish his dark kingdom. If only a true hero was man enough to save humanity." Said news reporter with warnings.

"OUTRAGOUS." Garfield roared as he crushed champagne glass in his hand.

"Oh Garfield must you go again? Can you not stay and tell us more hilarity and pleasure us with your manly body?" Sexy ladies asked with pining.

"Sorry my sexy sweets, there is lad who needs punishing." Garfield said as he stood up for leaving.

"Ralphie you have been a naughty boy, and now you are going to be getting a stocking full of lead." Garfield said chilly as he loaded his Desert Eagle. Garfield strode outside where his Red Corvette was waiting. In the distance where Ralphie's house once was, he saw spiraling tower of darkness surrounded by flames and fire.

"Ralphie I have a special Christmas present for you. Two orders of fist wrapped in pain." Garfield said as he hopped into his Red Corvette. Garfield drove at cutting edge speeds to battle the forces of darkness. As Garfield drove by, he saw demonic servants of Ralphie stealing Red Ryder BB Guns from a toy store.

"Oh no it's Garfield." Cried out the demon fiends in terror.

"Fiends of fire enter the abyss of my fist." Garfield said as he punched demons with hurricane of punches sending them back to their Hell Home.

"There is your return trip home courtesy of death." Garfield said with coolness as he leapt back into Red Corvette for driving. As Garfield drove closer to Ralphie's tower of darkness, scenery began to change to fiery hellscape. Trees darkened and twisted to dead husks and sky filled with fire and ash.

"Ralphie you will pay for what you have done to the environment." Garfield said with ecology.

Garfield finally arrived at tower gates guarded by two giant bull demons, one wielding a mace and the other a giant axe.

"No one may enter the domain of Lord Ralphie." Bellowed the Bull demons.

"I have no time for bull." Garfield said as he took out his Desert Eagle. Garfield with one bullet shot one Bull Demon in the head which then ricocheted off of the gate and into the other bull demon's head killing them both.

"Bull's eye." Garfield said with slick style as he holstered his Desert Eagle. Upon Bull Demon's defeat, Garfield kicked down gates with manly foot and entered the tower of Ralphie. In the lobby Garfield saw statues and mosaics of Ralphie with his beloved Red Ryder BB Gun as well as fountains of lava and blood.

"Ralphie, Santa Claus is off duty and the only sleighing being done tonight will be to you." Garfield said as he walked into lobby. In the center of lobby Garfield saw an elevator to the top of the tower.

"The elevator to Hell leads up." Garfield pondered with Philosophy. He entered elevator and pressed up. The elevator shot up like steam train powered by gas and brought Garfield to Ralphie's throne room. When reaching destination Garfield saw Ralphie sitting upon throne of bone dressed in dark metal armor with spikes. Behind him was a portal to hell where he summoned his demonic armies of chaos. Next to him was his family locked in a cage hanging over a pit of lava.

"Garfield I should have known you would try to interfere with my plans. But it is of no use, the very power of Hell is mine to command." Ralphie spoke with mocking words.

"Ralphie you have been bad, now it is time for corporal punishing." Garfield said as he cracked his knuckles.

"The only punishing that will be done will be from me to this world. I have suffered enough indignities. The Earth will pay for denying me my Red Ryder BB Gun." Ralphie roared with fist clenched with rage.

"You have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas, let me remind you." Garfield said as he took out his Desert Eagle.

"Enough talking! Get him my minion!" Ralphie ordered to his balor.

Ralphie's 15 foot balor demon approached Garfield with roars and growls with fire coming out of mouth eyes, but Garfield was not impressed.

"Chew on this." Garfield said as he threw a grenade into the Balor's mouth. Garfield then shot the grenade with his Desert Eagle blowing the Balor's head off.

"The louder they roar the louder they explode." Garfield said with manly confidence.

"So Garfield, my minion has proven no match for you. Very well it is no matter for the powers of darkness protect me." Ralphie gloated with glee.

We will see about this." Garfield said as he fired barrage of bullets at Ralphie but to his surprise they deflected off harmlessly.

"See Garfield, no force on this Earth can harm me, now feel the wrath of Hell!" Declared Ralphie as he raised his flaming Red Ryder BB Gun at Garfield.

"It will take more than force fields to hide from my justice." Garfield said with stern righteousness.

Garfield took out from his pocket a silver bullet blessed by St. Michael and Santa Claus and loaded it into his Desert Eagle.

"If you love Hell so much, why not move there permanently." Garfield said as he shot the silver bullet. The bullet soared and broke through Ralphie's dark barrier and bore into his chest.

"NOOOOO." Cried out Ralphie in pain as he fell back into his own Hell portal getting sucked in. The portal then exploded leaving him no escape.

"Hell is for children." Garfield quipped as he put lasagna cigarette in his mouth. After disposing of villainy, Garfield freed Ralphie's family from their prison cage.

"Thank you Garfield, you are true hero, it is a shame our son could not be a real man like you." Said Ralphie's father with admiration.

"YAAY GARFIELD." Shouted Randy with joy of seeing his hero.

"Garfield you have done us and the world great favor today. I would like to thank you in private." Said Ralphie's mother rubbing Garfield's manly biceps.

"Why sure thing my holiday honey. I have a special present for you that needs unwrapping." Garfield said pointing down to his pants.

"Very well let us go and celebrate the season the way we were meant to." Said Ralphie's mother as she led Garfield to the bedroom. As they walked Ralphie's father and Randy gave Garfield a thumbs up.

When they arrived at bedroom Ralphie's mother laid down on bed.

"Garfield give me pleasure like Santa Claus gives out presents. With generosity and enthusiasm." Said Ralphie's mother with wanting.

"Very well my Christmas cutie, I will climb down your chimney and make you sing carols." Garfield said with a wink as he let down his pants for pleasure party.

"Garfield you know just what to say to warm a woman on a cold winter night." Said Ralphie's mother with swooning.

"You know it babe. I have a candy cane that needs licking, and its flavor never runs out." Garfield said as he unleashed his man staff.

"I have been a good girl this year, please give me what I deserve." Said Ralphie's mother as she undid her clothes.

"I am going to stuff your stocking with loving." Garfield said as he was climbed on Ralphie's mother and rode her like a one horse open sleigh.

Garfield rode Ralphie's mother with force and power, bringing her higher than Santa's sleigh and making her feel joy like she never felt. Through his loving her heart and body filled with holiday spirit and they made love like warm Egg Nog, sweet, thick and intoxicating.

The end...?

Authors Note: I would like to wish everyone belated happy holidays! Please stay safe and do not summon demons.


End file.
